"Time has been transformed, and we have changed; it has advanced and set us in motion; it has unveiled its face, inspiring us with bewilderment and exhilaration."
The Big One
Monday, November 29, 2010
Okay so it's been a few days er weeks...er.. months... But I decided to do an update, why you may ask? Because it's currently a Monday afternoon and I am at work, and while I may be at work- I am extremely bored and as such, here I am.
So let's work from the back forwards... The only problem is, I'm currently writing this in stealth mode, in one of my work sites input boxes, so I can't check when my last entry was... So I'll take a conservative guess and say 3 months ago.
Well since then (if this hasn't already been mentioned, if it has you may fast forward), I bought a car. It's a VW Golf Mk3, it's white and it's pretty damn sexy. And I can now drive it (kind of) too... But we will get to that a little later.
Fast forward to 2 months ago. I was just hanging out on facebook slacking off as usual when a girl whom I added because she was friends with all my friends in the punk scene decided to send me a chat message with a basic 'hi'. Now for a back story, this girl was with her boyfriend when we began speaking, she had been dating him for 4 years. Though he lived 2000km away from where her home is, so she moved up country to live with him. She lived there for almost a year but then couldn't handle it there and who can blame her, the ground is a dust bowl and the air is well- a dust bowl too.
So during this time me and her started talking she was contemplating moving down here again. And lo and behold the next week she did, she also informed me at that time that she had broken up with her boyfriend. Now I personally knew her boyfriend and had met him a few times at some of the punk shows, anyway... So she then moved down here and since we were then chatting quite often we decided to hang out some time, so we did that and had a rad time. It was uncanny how similar we are/were, apart from her being a party girl and me being straight edge- we're basically the same person (with different genitalia of course). We really hit it off and then managed to get her to come visit me...
The day she visited me (2nd time we met in person) we ended up having an interesting time ;) And I would be lying if I said there wasn't back-of-the-knee sex involved. Okay fine, I'm a bit of a weirdo.
We continued to hang out and fool around, until we established (probably 2 weeks in) that we were in fact dating. After this we eventually slept together a few times, things were great, at least they seemed so for me. About 2 weeks later (and about 8 visits) she told me that we can't go out anymore because she is confused as to what she really wants. This then confused me in turn, and crushed me too. We continued to see each other as friends, though each time ending up making out. After about another 2 weeks of that she told me that we can't see each other at the moment because it's confusing her even more now, and I get told that her ex-boyfriend is moving down to Cape Town so she may get back together with him, which kind of fucked up my game completely.
And that's pretty much where I stand right now with her. I'm waiting for Rob to move down and for her to decide what exactly it is that she wants, though inside I know the odds are stacked 70/30 against me. But I really like this girl, and really want things to work out even though it's unlikely.
I touched on this earlier, but I also passed my driving learners license which means I can now practice and then go for my drivers, it's about time.
I've also for a while been interested in visiting certain parts of Europe, and currently I am desiring to visit the Norwegian Fjords (which I promise has not been ignited by my new found love for black metal), and the Swiss alps. I long to stand on the green grasses along the mountain sides where there are large lakes and small cottages lined up. Some of the images that can be seen along these areas is amazing, with waters reflecting the snowcapped peaks of the local mountain ranges which tower endlessly above these small villages. And with my new-found wealth, not so much wealth as below average inheritance, it is quite a real possibility for me to actually visit these places. So I will be doing my research and see where the most beautiful, yet cost effective areas lie.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
So I recently bought a BMX bike after I was inspired. The inspiration occurred when I was heading down to the shop for some food and ended up going to the half pipe across the road because I saw an old friend there, he was with 2 other guys shooting them BMX- he is a professional sports photographer now. I met these other two guys that were there and the one dude was really friend and seemed like a nice guy, so I got home and added him on facebook, thinking that I'll have a friend to hang with or something... I talked to him about BMXs for a bit on the chat over the next few days and I asked him to let me know when they were going riding again so I can join, He said he would. I then reminded him to let me know later in the week, again he said he would.
Then on Saturday I was expecting a call saying they were going riding, since I saw some wall post from a friend about going riding together. After the day was over I hadn't received any information and saw another post on his wall from someone who joined saying how fun it was. So frankly, he can go fucking die. These are the reasons I don't try make friends, people are fucking retarded.
There's actually quite a lot to report on. My sister is having her baby today, yeah I'm going to be an uncle in an hour's time. Not amped for it at all, they cry... And I wake up really easily, my life is going to be hell hence forth.
I am stoked for the weekend though, I'm flying up to Johannesburg with my friend Nick on Thursday, Nick is a punk who occasionally shoots smack and is a bit of a wild kid. He got his nose broken this weekend and currently looks like Owen Wilson, though it's being reset today. He was in a bar and some asshole starting insulting the way he dresses, so he knocked the guys front teeth out, got on a table and started kneeing the guy in the face- apparently there was lots of blood flying around. Then people tried to pull them apart and while doing so the dude headbutted him in the face. CRACK, nose completely broken and off-set. Nick isn't pleased about it and has got the guy marked now so if his friends see him the guy will be in hospital for a while.
Anyway, we're flying up to JHB and then heading to PTA to stay at Andrew's house, who no longer has his mohawk. We'll be staying there Thur night and then early Friday morning we embark on a 5 hour drive to Bloemfontein. There is a punk gig there, well a festival that lasts 2 days and involves 2 nights of camping in tents...
Reason I'm amped is the music, friends and the girls. It's been forever since I've gotten laid, and since Gabi has made it clear I am no part of her life anymore, nothing matters to me apart from not drinking, smoking or doing drugs. So I plan to get some action this weekend, not picky at all... I also have a female friend whom is coming with that says she`ll help me hook up and if she fails at that duty she will keep me warm that night (no losing from here right?).
Other news is that I had this friend up in JHB named Bobby, I borrowed his straight edge hoody when I went to visit Gabi once. Anyway, he was one of the only people in South Africa that had been edge for longer than me, 8 years... Where I've been edge for 6. Anyway, he's always been a huge dramaqueen, seriously if you think I whine a lot... This guy has 10000 emo statuses after each other... NO SHIT every DAY! Check this:
Bobby **** misses her so fucking much...
10 September at 12:01
Bobby **** :'( :'( :'( - being single is going to suck sooooo fucking hard
10 September at 21:49
Bobby **** sigh...
12 September at 11:59
Bobby **** :'( again... I'm so over feeling this way...
13 September at 12:36
Bobby **** another pointless day...
14 September at 09:08
Bobby **** am i really such a undeserving asshole? Seems like it...
15 September at 09:55
Bobby **** what an amazing fucking month, first i get dumped then the band breaks up, add all my frustration from work... is it bad that i really want to punch something right now?
Notice the dates... Now at this point I hope you're all laughing as much as I do when I read his statuses... Now granted I complain a lot, more than most... But he takes it to a whole `nother level. I don't generally cry on my statuses and only talk about personal things with my close friends.
Anyway, he's always been a bit of a douchebag, like he will tell a girl he loves her and wants to be with her forever just to fuck her. I don't have a problem with consensual casual sex when one is in their mid 20s, but he manipulates the girls with lies to get to fuck them and that's just kinda uncool, and he does it all the time.
Well I always called him soft about being straight edge, he was never militantly vocal about it. And I could always see he couldn't handle it... Anyway... This week he broke edge... That leaves me I think the second or third longest straight edge kid in South Africa (it's a small hardcore scene I know them all). He decided that breaking up with his girlfriend was too much so he wasted 8 years of sobriety. He has become a complete hypocrit... I have far more respect for my friends like Nick and Andrew who know drinking is just who they are and they've always been like that, than those who claim to be something and have strong convictions about it and then turn their backs on it. IF YOU BREAK EDGE, DIE!
Kristiina is a loser though, and has a broken computer... Meaning I'm writing this to thin air. MSN has been rather boring of late due to that.. Not to mention that Kristiina has been different ever since her holiday, before she left we used to talk a lot and she was actually nice and stuff... Now it seems less so, rarely texting back to me or conversing when she's online... But whatever, I'm used to it... I'll just switch on my "I don't give a fuck" switch. Yep Kristiina, I know you're reading this.
Anyway, wish me luck for hooking a hottie this weekend and coming home crab free :)
A Good Week
Monday, August 23, 2010
So time for a rare positive update, so you better appreciate it.
I've had a very exciting past few days, as my father's trust fund paid out the money I've been waiting years for, what this means for me? It means I get to buy stuff I want/need... Namely car stuff.
In the past 3 days I have bought:
- Garmin 205 Widescreen GPS/Sat-Navigation
- LG Front Loader MP3/CD Player
- 1200 Watt Sony Xplod Sub-Woofer
- 1997 Golf Mk3 with 120 000 on the clock
- Plane ticket to Johannesburg next month
In the next week I hope to purchase:
- 1200 Watt Amplifier
- 16" Black Rims
- Window Tints
- 2" Lower suspension
- Steering Wheel / Gear Nob
- 6x9 Speakers
- Car Alarm
- Car Mats
- Dashboard Gauge
- LED Interior Lights
We are golden
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Yesterday one of my oldest friends gave me some advice. Well actually it wasn't advice. It was more like
"YOU ARE A PUSSY STAND UP FOR YOURSELF OR DIE"
(except more long winded with my objections in between every other word)
which is basically the only way to get me to react, since I'm a useless hippie and such. And despite always listening to advice I never quite follow it. Obviously, once again, being a useless hippie and such, I didn't follow the advice to the t (does that even make sense? There is no "t" in "advice"). I tried though.
It's the first time I've really confronted this particular person. I've been afraid of really objecting to this person because it's been a bit shaky, and in the beginning when it was strong there was nothing to object to. Mind you, it's been 4 months that we've been involved and we've avoided any even minor disputes.
I'm always afraid of a) the flood of apologies which just makes me feel guilty b) yelling, which makes me feel stupid or c) no response. And I know, person, that that's dumb. But I listened.
I phrased my confrontation like this (it's pretty standard):
Part of the problem
"and I get it, and I'm okay with it"
My actual problem
After which I did not get apologies, and I did not get yelling or disappointment. I did not get any of the things I was expecting. Instead I got
This is what I'm going to do to solve your actual problem.
Wasn't that bad, really. I smiled. Sincerely, and not from repressing laughter.
I still have a long way to go, and I have to remember this place I'm at now. Or more importantly I have to remember how I was before this person bitched me out. My standard response to something I didn't like or didn't want to accept was "no it's okay" or "it's fine". It still is, because most of the time I am okay with it, but I might not like it, and there's a difference to not liking it and being okay with it, and not being okay with it.
But still, I know the person I ought to thank will probably read this.
and I hope someone's sincere gratitude kind of cheers you up a bit. And I'm sorry for being such a stubborn ass about it :)
Last night I died
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Meditation when in the grips of frustration and mild depression is not the best thing to do. I have a problem with sleeping, I have a mental condition called insomnia. It means I can't go make my own reality in the world of dreams as easily as you can.
So yesterday I tried to meditate. Frustration comes from keeping quiet and not eating and not being able to sleep. I felt the blanket on top of me, heavy and soft, and the mattress underneath. I held my arms on the sides, no limbs crossed or nothing, eyes closed and my mind completely dark.
Then I died.
I lay there for over two hours, not moving the tiniest bit, thinking how awful it would be if death were like total paralysis. No pulse, no breath, no movement- but thought. It would be an eternal prison inside your own mind. No one can hear you and you can't hear anyone because nothing exists for you any more. All you have is what you knew, and that is all you will ever know, and soon you'll just want it all to go away and really would prefer complete and utter destruction of everything you were.
Instead we'll just be gone.
The sky is overcast and I'm sorry
One more or less, nobody's worried.
But then I got thirsty, and was no longer dying.
Speak Your Mind
Thursday, August 12, 2010
It is not clear who is a greater danger, the man who speaks without thinking or the man that thinks without speaking. -Me
I was thinking about how most people can't handle me because I'm completely honest with what I think and feel, and it usually ends up offending some people. But people need to grow thicker skins and stop crying over bullshit, what I say doesn't affect their lives in any way. It's not even like I'm bigotous or anything.
When I was out with some friends a couple weeks ago, there were some skanks walking past in short skirts and something was said about them not wearing underwear so I made some joke and placed my hand on the seat with 2 of my fingers upright and said "They can come take a seat here"... The girl that was with asked me to repeat what I said because she never heard. I declined as I knew she would probably get pissy, so she kept nagging so eventually I just said "It's not important but it had to do with penetrating those 2 girls vaginas with these 2 fingers"... After which I was apparently disgusting. And well, yes, I am... But it's who I am.
The only thing that gets on my tits worse than someone who doesn't speak their mind is someone who pretends to, but is actually just agreeing with everything you say. I'm all for people agreeing with me, it means they have brains, but I hate it when people lie about their interests or personality to get on my good side. It happens too often, where I will find out someone wanted me to accept them so they lie about their views on things. Grow some balls and speak the truth, yes I may hate you forever onwards, but views can be changed.
Rather be hated for who you are than loved for who you aren't.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Labels: fuck everything
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