I woke up from a very good and very bad nap today, and I remember, in my half-asleep stupor that I said

"I'm not usually like this"

Now, I'm sure I know exactly what it's regarding, but I'm not going to tell the world because truth be told, no one really cares. Let's just say that I have a tendency to get slightly depressed when things are going good. Perhaps it's that feeling of "this will end soon" or "I'll fuck up" or "something bad will happen." Perhaps it's some sort of subconscious voice telling me I shouldn't be having a good time, that I don't deserve it... but then again that subconscious voice sounds exactly like my lovely, admired and respected female guardian (not my mother though).

The problem is, I am usually like this. I've always been like this. It's been pointed out by my step-brother, my therapist (whom I was sent to see because I don't talk to people about my problems.. but I didn't speak to her either. Well, at least it got me out of maths class on Tuesdays back in 2008), who all said "why are you so depressed when you should be happy?" And to be completely fucking honest, I fucking hate it. I'm getting better though. I'm getting better.

I need a shock. Something that will jolt me out of this.

Because I can't be born like this.

We're not usually like this.

-kristiina