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"Time has been transformed, and we have changed; it has advanced and set us in motion; it has unveiled its face, inspiring us with bewilderment and exhilaration." |
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Keep Walking
Sunday, August 1, 2010 Again this post will be more self-pity and general pathetic-ness than a blog entry. I'm having trouble with everything again. I cry more than I smile, I spend more time thinking about what was than I do about what's coming. And when I do this about the future it's about death or growing old... I was thinking a mere few minutes ago, what would my funeral look like? Well firstly I've made my family perfectly aware that I do not want to be burnt into ashes, I want to be buried- truth be told I want to be buried next to a certain someone. But that would never happen... But I can think of nothing more romantic than decaying mere feet away from someone you love... If I ever find love, this is how I hope it will be. But anyway, so I realized my funeral would consist of about 15 people. And no, that's not a gross underestimate in the seeking for sympathy. It would be my mother, sister, granny, 2 aunts, 4 cousins, 2 - 3 friends. Well you see, I don't really have any friends... The closest thing I have to friends are pretty much the people I talk to on the internet... And only 1 or 2 of them would attend my funeral. So what is my reason for being here? I'm clearly not making an impact on peoples lives outside of the family, I hate most people which is just me... but it being me, means I can't just decide to be a delightful soul with hundreds of friends. In the past 5 years my life has consisted of 2 real relationships, 2 fake ones... And it's been a year since my last, and there is nothing pointing to an ability to get involved with anyone else any time soon. I'm basically in my mid-20s for Christ's sake. I should be married, or if not married I should be one of those who dislike marriage and instead sleeps with hundreds of girls... Again not who I am. What do I see for the next year? The same thing as the previous... I see myself in the same job, still longing for what I can't have even though I have no reason to. Where will I be in 5 years? In all honesty, I am assuming I have moved on by then- if not... Then I will have already killed myself- and I promise you this. I may be living abroad, but still don't see myself having friends. 20 years? Well in 20 years I'll be in my 40s, and quite honestly I feel as though I'll probably be dead by then... If I survive to the age of 60, I will be everything no one wants to be... I'll be old, alone, bitter and angry. I really don't want to get old... I mean really... The thought itself makes me want to just die now... It will save me the whole process. There was a time when I didn't mind the thought at all, because in my mind I was growing old with someone, and in my mind I had everything planned. Fancy parties, going out together and just being together... But as present I can't picture myself with anyone else growing old at the moment. People often go on about how worthless they are, when they're making a difference in the world or have kids or a wife or friends. They are idiots... I feel I on the other hand hold nothing significant to anyone. Even when I feel like I`m part of something deep and possibly life changing it ends up that I was really far less to the other person and that they can replace me in every way really easily. What would be lost if I died today? There'd be about 20 people who feel slightly sad, but in a month some will be over it, in a year others will and in 5 years nearly everyone will. I am living for myself, which is something I proudly promote. But in essence I will also be dying with myself when I do. Nobody likes an abrasive, hate filled, not the best looking, arrogant ass. So if I do ever give in to my desires to end it, Kristiina, feel free to provide a link to this blog to everyone I know. |
Follow Aetas Velox Click here to follow us on blogspot Affiliates/Links Indiscreetkids Blog Bryn's Deviantart Kristiina's Deviantart Backstabber Extracts previous posts Piercing Bilolology 1 Month Old Sit down and teach me to be rational Where to Go She used her hair as a mop to clean up the bleeding Last Night I Dreamed That Somebody Loved Me Out and About I biked 10km to write this. When I grow up... |
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